1. After his illustrious terms in office, former U.S. Surgeon General Everett Koop launched DrKoop.com, where he's quoted, "the best prescription is knowledge." But if you buy any products there, you should know he's getting a healthy cut of your dough.

There's nothing wrong with that. Dr. Koop would never let profit motives interfere with his concern for public health.
All of the medical sites have their angle. I would still give DrKoop.com a chance.
Send him to the sheep farm and shear those woolly tufts.

2. A recent Jaguar commercial features Sting performing another hit song. Crowded with bouncing babes like an MTV video, it speculates: "Everyone dreams of being a rock star. What then do rock stars dream of?" (Apparently, they drool over making millions selling their image to car companies.)

Sounds like my kind of commercial.
It doesn't surprise me. Most rock stars have as much artistic integrity as a Pez dispenser.
I'm dreaming of rock star road-kill beneath the wheels of a wayward El Dorado.

3. The Olympics now allows professional athletes, such as the Dream Team, to compete in the ancient contest of amateurs. And last year it was discovered that Olympic officials traded their "unbiased" city selection process for lavish gifts and VIP treatment.

I don't care. The Olympics are more fun to watch now. They take out all those boring events like the marathon and discus, and the commercials are almost as good as the Super Bowl ones.
It was inevitable. Sports are all about money and marketing. I try to filter out the nonsense so I can enjoy the synchronized swimming.
Sports advertising has crossed the line. They might as well run the Olympic torch down Madison Avenue. It's become a nightmare version of Disney's "It's a Small World."

4. Monica Lewinsky's service to humanity may pale in comparison to that of Christ, but Linda Tripp played a convincing Judas to the universal standard of friendship.

That stuff should have been brought to light anyway, and Tripp has suffered at the hands of the media for selling the truth to Kenneth Starr.
I've stopped gossiping about my lascivious activities over the phone.
I wish I'd never heard of Lewinsky or Tripp. If I had any friends, I don't think I could trust them anymore.

5. The original Star Wars films took our cinematic wonderment to new heights. With the Phantom Menace, Lucas yielded wholeheartedly to the dark side of merchandising with a movie built around action figures, video games and fast-food trinkets.

I don't care. I love Star Wars and will always love it. I have a Boba Fett figure in the original packaging. Check it out on eBay!
The whole thing's gotten a little stale, but Lucas seems like a nice guy and he took his time bringing the Phantom Menace to market. Hopefully his future films will be better.
I wonder what percentage of plastic on this planet is official Star Wars merchandise. We're choking on it, and I wish I could escape to Tattooine.

$5 — $9.99
You thought Watergate was just a 5-star hotel, and you dream in Gap colors. You dug the second Woodstock more because it was easier to find an ATM.

$10 — $29.99
Straddling the fence can be uncomfortable, but it's usually a pretty safe spot. You see past the imitation Rolex offered by the Peoria Realtors Association, but slip it on anyway. We are stuck on Earth, aren't we, so don't rock the planet.

$30 — $50.99
You'll never admit it, but Mother Teresa stole your act. You don't need fame, fortune or stock options. You want to build something of lasting value, and thwart the system if necessary. Today a chair, tomorrow a sit-in.

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