12:30 a.m. — After what seemed like hours of trying to get your newborn baby to fall asleep, you and your husband finally collapse into bed. It's the first time you've had a moment to yourselves all day.

He reaches for you. You wrap your leg around his thigh. You look deep into each other's eyes — and then, before the spit-up has had a chance to dry on your collar, you're both fast asleep, too exhausted to try for more than a grope in each other's general direction.

Unfortunately, this scenario is all too common for new parents. According to Rhonda Kruse Nordin, parent educator and author of After the Baby: Making Sense of Marriage After Childbirth, becoming a parent is second only to the death or loss of a spouse as one of the biggest factors in diminishing a couple's sex life.

And while it's typically true that after the baby is born, women are much more reluctant to resume a normal sex life than men, it's been said that over time, even some men begin to lose interest.

The culprit? A combination of exhaustion, lack of time and lack of ingenuity — on both parent's parts — can seriously dampen the fires in the bedroom.

But before men groan in agreement and women plot to kill their husbands, Nordin insists there are ways to overcome a withered sex life. Couples need to put sex in perspective, she says. "It is part, but not the whole of a marital union. Intimacy can be emotional, spiritual, aesthetic, recreational, physical, and sexual."

How couples close the gap in their perspectives and improve their sex life, goes beyond such pat answers as light candles and play romantic music. New parents have to get creative and stay consistent.

"Finding a big chunk of time is really difficult now," says Nicole Valencia of Albany, Calif., mother of 20-month-old Jason. "One of the things we've changed is to take turns pleasuring each other. What's often good for me is a back rub while my husband prefers what we call a 'special massage.' " Valencia adds, "That works really well for us because we both get our needs met and I don't have to summon up the energy needed for a full love making."

Another new mom, Jennifer Mallet of El Cerrito, Calif., has found fatigue, rather than time, to be the biggest obstacle between her and a healthy sex life. "[Sex] is not my top priority of the day as a new mom," she says.

Mallett's solution has been to clarify her needs, make time and space for herself, and stay resourceful. "Doing it in the car on a date night, or in the shower while the baby naps, adds fun and an element of daring," says Mallett, who claims that the house is often the worst place because of all the distractions there. Mallett explains that having sexual intimacy is more of a thought process than it used to be, but that making the effort is important for the relationship.

Continuity counts, adds Nordin. "Big pauses in sexuality can cause hormonal levels to shift and many times, the mood of a couple shifts too. Sex falls under the use it or lose it category; it's not like riding a bike."

But even for those who aren't riding the bike as much as they used to, focusing on quality rather than quantity, can help both partners feel satisfied.

For some, in fact, the addition of a new baby can lead to a better sex life. "Our sex life has diminished in frequency," admits Valencia. "But in some ways the quality has improved, in part because bringing a child into our family has increased the love we feel for each other and the love we live with on a daily basis."